When the Seasons Change: Trusting God Through Every Stage of Motherhood

When I became a mother 6 years ago, I didn't realize how much I would walk through. It wasn't the easiest transition. From the start we were thrown into an early delivery with a little girl who was a mere 4 lbs and 11 oz. A few months later she became septic and we spent 10 days in the hospital with her. Her first year I was in the trenches of PPD and PPA. I fought my way out only to have my fears confirmed and land back in them a few years later when we had my son. I have had to re-learn myself as my identity shifted and re-shifted.

But here we are, 6 years later. I survived. I remember there were many moments when I didn't think I would. I would be on the floor sobbing, begging God to take the pain, the loneliness. I felt guilty for the mom that my kids had gotten. The one who felt rage for things that were so minor. Who didn't want to live anymore. Who was this shell in the mirror? I don't recognize her. It's my face, but she's not me.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

As I look through the window of those years, I can see now that God didn't heal me not because He doesn't love me, but because of the exact opposite. He loves me so much. And He knew that the only way I was going to end this storm was to walk through it. I had to walk through the pain, the rage, the loneliness in order to heal and become more whole. To change the story in my own generational history. If He had taken it from me, I wouldn't be the mom or the woman I am today. I have become more empathetic, compassionate, gentle, loving. I have gained a strength that would carry me farther than I ever thought I could go.

I'm learning that in each season of motherhood there's a re-molding that takes place. Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, I too earn new wings as I navigate each new stage of motherhood. I am not who I used to be and yet, I am still discovering fragments of myself as we shift yet again. This season is one of letting go as both my kids, get older. My daughter is about to walk through the door of her 1st grade classroom. She is now confidently riding a bike without training wheels as she shouts, "look at me mom i'm doing it!" My son is succesfully potty training and now half of my size. But this letting go isn't just in the big things, it's also in the little things that feel small but take a piece of you just as much. The way they no longer have stuffed animals stacked to the brim on their bed, or how they can see themselves in the mirror without a stool, or in their language and how much they are talking. Small moments that are reminders they never were yours to keep but rather you are their vessel tasked with loving them well and giving them tools so that they can confidently set out into the world to be their own independent, unique selves. What an achingly, beautiful gift that is.

Fragments in this season of letting go are splayed out on the floor as I work to piece together where I fit into this middle ground of motherhood. This place where I am still needed, yet not as much. While I know who I am and who's I am, I have at times lost my identity in motherhood. As my husband's job changed, my responsibilities did as well, as single parenting is my norm now. It's easy to get lost in the sea of it and forget who you are outside of being a mom. But God gently reminds me that my worth isn't written into who I am as a mom, but rather who my identity is through Him. I breathe a deep exhale of surrender as I relax into that truth and forge forward to what lies ahead of me, in motherhood and in myself.

-Hayley